I even
went into particulars about the foibles of some of my acquaintances,
though faint misgivings as to the propriety of. such remarks on the
absent made me half repent the words I still kept uttering. When they
took leave I rushed to my room with my heart beating, my cheeks all
in a glow, and caught up and caressed the children in a way that
seemed to astonish them. Then I took my work and sat down to sew.
What a horrible reaction now took place! I saw my refined, subtle,
disgusting pride, just as I suppose Dr. and Mrs. Cabot saw it! I sat
covered with confusion, shocked at myself, shocked at the weakness of
human nature. Oh, to get back the good opinion of my friends! To
recover my own self-respect! But this was impossible. I threw down my
work and walked about my room. There was a terrible struggle in my
soul. I saw that instead of brooding over the display I had made of
myself to Dr. Cabot I ought to be thinking solely of my appearance in
the sight of God, who could see far more plainly than any earthly eye
could all my miserable pride and self-conceit. But I could not do
that, and chafed about till I was worn out, body and soul. At last I
sent the children away, and knelt down and told the whole story to
Him who knew what I was when He had compassion on me, called me by my
name, and made me His own child. And here, I found a certain peace.
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